The Tale of Vinegar John, a Play in One Act.

Scene 1, A carnival stage with free popcorn, food stamps and tinsel.

The Stage: Imagine a clown with two faces like Baucus, long donkey faces with John Kerry’s eyebrows, eyes and chin. He wears a chic tutu of white festooned satin decorated with sequins and with Hammers and Sickles, North Vietnamese Flags, Peace signs, and the garment is gathered at the knees like a balloon. There are numerous hidden pockets to stuff campaign contributions.

His slinky dress has a broad yellow stripe down the back side with frequent clusters of three tiny purple hearts in a group scattered here and there and quaint little puff sleeves. He wears skinny pink pixie boots curved up and back down at the toe with a little corroded brass peace sign dangling on one and a bright red Hammer and Sickle glittering in the spotlight on the other. He juggles dozens of little balls with both hands with the words Yes, No, Yes then No, Maybe no. Maybe Yes and other variants. The balls bounce everywhere but to stage right.

He sings and dances to the tune of an old French Bawdy House Song:

I am Vinegar John the Flip Flop Man,

I will hike yer taxes with a wave of my hand,

I must change my mind as oft as I can,

I am Flip Flop John the Vinegar Man

I am Flim Flam John the Vinegar Man,

I peddle my lies and I peddle my Spam,

I wheel and deal with a Flim and a Flam

I am Flip Flop John the Vinegar Man,

I am Vinegar John with the Flim-Flam Boots,

I will buy my votes with taxpayer’s Loot,

For the Army and the Navy I don’t give a hoot.

So, the Flip-Flop Man he needs yer Toot.

I am Hanoi John the Can-di-date,

My own two faces will decide yer fate,

I will honk my Donkey at a faster rate,

I am Phlegm Flam John the Gigolo Rake.

I am Vinegar John the High Tax Man

I ignore yer future and ignore yer Fate.

I love my Donkey and I love my Hate,

I will ruin yer wealth at an awful rate.

So, vote for Me John the Vinegar Man

I will waste yer money and I don’t give a Darn,

I will tax yer water and tax yer yams,

Let’s wreck our Nation for the Flip Flop Man!

The scene ends with roaring applause from the crowd and a shower of apartment keys and coins scatter the stage in a glittering array. Vinegar John bows and scoops up the loot.

Scene 2, the polls:

CBS: Vinegar John is projected to win the 2000 US Presidential Race! He was ahead 8% in one pole!!! Long Live the Revolution!! Peace in Our Time! Justice by Taxation!!

Scene 3, Iowa and New Hampshire……….2007

Keep yer seats for this Final Act!! This may be the ultimate George McGovern style political Gift.